thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
