Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
