eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
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