no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
