There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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