Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
