i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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