you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
my phone needs a breathalizer
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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