I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
