Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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