If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
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