I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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