Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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