Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
