I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
