I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
