I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
