She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
