i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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