It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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