I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
