I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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