She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Randomize
