my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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