and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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