Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
