she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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