Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
