The best revenge is premature balding
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
