Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Everclear isn't food dammit
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
