no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
