things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
