i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
