Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
