my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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