I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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