the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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