I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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