i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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