the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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