She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
