Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Randomize
