No stitches, just platelets and will power
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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