Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
