This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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