Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
