I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
