I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
