She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
