I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
