I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
